Wig Wam Norway 2005
I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here. From the looks of it neither are Wig Wam. Glam rock meets policeman-cowboy,-mulleted-rocker-chic? Like some sort of Noel Fielding fronted village people.
ABBA Sweden 1974
I’m really not sure whether I love or hate ABBA’s getup here. If I had to choose a favourite I think it’d be Agnetha’s velvet blue puffy trousers but I’d have paired them with those shiny knee-length platforms Björn is rocking. Somebody should’ve told Agnetha she forgot to take her little wooly hat off though.
Jamie-Lee Kriewitz Germany 2016
There’s almost something a little bit creepy here. I’m not sure whether she’s dressed like one of those weird doll-like things you cover toilet rolls with or some sort of apocalyptic school girl. The added touch of toys tied to her head doesn’t do her it any favours either.
Scooch UK 2007
Apparently Scooch were singing a song about flying but that doesn’t make this any better. What do you think came first? The song? Did they build the song around the outfits? Either way I hope they’re not actually working for the airlines, I’m not sure what it is but they look very unprofessional to me.
InCulto Lithuania 2010
This is what I hope newsreaders have on behind their desks. A nice crisp shirt and tie and then they stand up in silver sequinned hot pants. On closer inspection those matching two-stripe trainers are on everyone although the one upfront looks like he’s got Adidas on. Elitism at its finest.
Maneskin Italy 2021
I actually quite like these outfits but I don’t know if that’s saying more about me than the band. Pop a big-collared shirt or even a vest on with those shiny high waisters and you’ve got yourself an outfit. I don’t quite know where you could wear it but it’s an outfit all the same.
Verka Serduchka Ukraine 2007
There’s something a bit Elton John about this garb and it isn’t just the glasses. I reckon Sir Elton would’ve rocked this given half a chance. Although I can’t quite work out though whether that shiny silver thing is a jacket, a dress, or a shock blanket. Like some sort of sequinned Christmas tree, that star hat really brings it all together.
Lordi Finland 2006
I can’t really pick a favourite from this: I like the zombie bride and that skeleton who’s receding terribly. In fact it’s quite hard to pick out which bit is outfit and which is monster so I’m going to opt for zombie bride’s off-white wedding dress as ‘what I’d most like to wear’.
Jedward Ireland 2012
I’m not sure if these are supposed to be futuristic or some sort of really camp medieval knights but either way I’m as enthusiastic about it as Edward are about absolutely everything. “SO COOL!”. Only problem is I don’t think gauntlets are really in anymore and the shoulder guards wouldn’t be great for navigating crowds.
Pirates of the Sea Latvia 2008
Now here’s something I really would wear; The Pirates of the Sea living up to their names here. I might leave the red bandana but the white trousers paired with the red jacket give off some real White Stripes vibes. The goatee can go as well actually: David Brent was not a pirate.
TIX Norway 2021
I’ve no idea if he could sing like one but this angel has everything I want from an outfit: white fur coat, shiny gold shirt, over-sized sunglasses, personalised bandana, and gold chains. Actually am I talking about me or P. Diddy? Either way I’ll take the wings as well, please.
Dana International Israel 1998
This one is actually amazing. The work of Jean Paul Gaultier - himself a massive Eurovision fan - and the first trans winner of Eurovision. I don’t have much else to say: it’s ridiculous, camp, and mesmerising. Much like Eurovision.
Guildo Horn Germany 1998
You know what they say: “you can’t go wrong with a bit of turquoise velvet”. Not only that but he pairs it with some kind of Jacobean Kermit-green cuffs, an impressive lapel, and those wonderful flowing locks. I don’t need to hear him sing to know that Guildo Horn is my favourite contestant so far.
Gipsy Cz Czech Republic 2009
Considering this mans name is Gipsy I can only assume the SG on his chest stands for Super Gipsy. The shoulder pads are good and I like the one piece but the purple and green on the chest really aren’t doing it for me. The real Freddie Mercury would never have had that. Next time go bare chested, Gipsy, and you’ve got it in the bag.
Zdob si Zdub Moldova 2005
The woman clearly not enjoying Zdob is Zdub’s singing is in some traditional Moldovan clothing. So why is the singer dressed like some sort of techno William Wallace? I mean I’m no expert in Moldovan fashions but I did a bit of research and there is absolutely nothing resembling whatever he’s wearing. The mullet is working for him though, just the gloves make him look like he’s about to go out robbing cars.
Daði Freyr Iceland 2021
These lot actually look like a band I’d like to see. Solid band outfits, turquoise is working, I like the side buttons and the little portraits of each of them on their tops. I’ve got a feeling they wandered on to Eurovision by accident while they were recording their new LP above the pub across the road.
Michalis Rakintzis Greece 2002
Top quality Mad Max-esque outfits from Greece here. Black is timeless, they’re padded for protection (looking at them they might even be bullet proof), plus it makes them look like gatekeepers in some sort of 80’s children’s fantasy gameshow like Knightmare. How apt.
Subwoolfer Norway 2022
Just some simple black suits from yet another Norwegian fashionista. Slim fitting, sharp, perfect ties. I also like that the female dancers are in traditionally masculine clothing - braces, bowties, and trousers - a subtle nod to Marlene Dietrich, perhaps. Black sunglasses were also a really good choice. Solid effort.